Well douche your snatch and let's go!
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
