Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
