Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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