it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
