Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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