I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
