Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
