I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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