Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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