you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
pop tarts are not kleenex
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Randomize
