new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
