Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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