my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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