i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
