I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
