I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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