I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
