I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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