allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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