the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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