I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
