Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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