whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
