well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
