is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
