i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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