Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
