Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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