Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
