Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
