We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
