I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
