Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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