i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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