i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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