If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
