come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Randomize
