I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
