Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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