I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
