i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
