She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
