4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
