Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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