I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
