I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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