So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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