im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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