You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Couch. On fire.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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