I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
